


Maybe just this once (let me keep this one)

by ofitc



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Angst, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 11:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11988759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofitc/pseuds/ofitc
Summary: Todd can't bear the thought of driving Dirk away, of hurting him the way he's hurt everyone else in his life. After Dirk shows up one day with a surprise gift, though, Todd has to return the gesture—and rethink his approach along the way.





	Maybe just this once (let me keep this one)

**Author's Note:**

> Title borrowed from "All Alright" by fun., a song that is more angsty (angstier?) than this fic turned out to be, but it's such a Todd (and Dirk/Todd) song and I'm sticking by it.
> 
> This is my first work for this fandom, and my first fic in general in literally years, so comments would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> Special thanks to sharlook (aceabed on tumblr) for agreeing to beta this for me!

Todd had done many things in his life which he wasn’t proud of.

He had lied to his family for years about having a condition which he’d never really had, all the while draining their bank accounts just so he wouldn’t have to work. He had stolen from his former bandmates and his former landlord, and he’d lied about doing so to get away with it both times. He’d lied a lot, to many people and about many things. Truth was, Todd had never thought he was a good person. Even at his worst, he knew his actions were wrong. But it had taken meeting Dirk and getting sucked into his chaotic world to make him realize he could, and should, change.

 _Dirk._ Thinking of him always made him feel guilty. Dirk had been steadfast in his support of Todd since the moment they met, but he had never once coddled him. Quite the opposite, Dirk had been the very first person to call him out on his bullshit.

Looking back, Todd thought that might’ve been the main reason he’d fallen in love with him. Dirk was unwavering optimism mixed with blunt honesty, everything that Todd wasn’t, yet wished he could be.

Todd wasn’t oblivious. He could see Dirk’s lingering looks, the longing in the way he looked at Todd when they were together. He heard it in his words too, though he never outright said it. Sometimes Todd’s hands would brush against Dirk’s by accident, which always sent his heart racing; he’d always move his hand away swiftly, mumbling an apology, but Dirk never seemed to mind. Todd suspected that if he were to reach out and hold his hand at any given time, Dirk would let him. Yet he could never bring himself to do it, no matter how much he longed to.

 _He deserves better,_ Todd often thought glumly. Maybe Dirk had inspired him to be a better person, and maybe he was objectively better than he had been before meeting him, but he was by no means a good person. No matter how much he tried to, Todd didn’t think he could ever truly make up for the things he’d done—he’d found that out the hard way with Amanda. It made him sad to think about fucking up that badly with Dirk too. Dirk had been his first real friend in a long time, and he couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him the way he’d hurt everyone else in his life.

Maybe it was because of all of this, then, that the universe decided to test him yet again.

He had come home one day to find Dirk sitting in his living room. This was unsurprising on its own, as Todd had given him a spare key a long time ago. “For emergencies” he’d told Dirk, though oftentimes Dirk would come over just to talk and hang out, which Todd did not mind one bit. What was surprising this time around was the package sitting on the couch next to Dirk, which was wrapped in multicolored paper and topped with a large red bow.

“Dirk?” Todd eyed the package with suspicion. Dirk looked somewhat nervous as he stood up, though he smiled in the way he always did when he saw Todd all the same.

“I have a surprise for you,” he said, picking up the package and placing it in Todd’s hands, “it’s been officially one year since we first met.”

“Today?” Todd couldn’t believe he had forgotten the exact day, though he could very well believe that Dirk hadn’t. He hadn’t expected Dirk to get him a present, though.

“Don’t worry about not getting me anything,” Dirk said, as if reading his mind, “I just had an opportunity, and I took it.”

Todd was confused, but he decided not to question Dirk any further as he began to unwrap his present. Judging from how soft it felt, Todd assumed it was an item of clothing. He removed the last of the wrapping paper and gasped audibly as he held the jacket in his hands.

It was his jacket, the one he’d wrecked in Patrick Spring’s basement on their very first case together, complete with all the patches and buttons he’d attached to it so long ago—except this jacket was intact, almost like new.

“How did you get this?” Todd asked softly, running his hand over the denim. His old jacket had been beyond repair after their ordeals that day, so he’d thrown it out. He’d kept some of the pins, but that was about it.

“Well, initially I intended to make a new one from scratch,” Dirk said, smiling sheepishly, “I tried teaching myself how to sew, which didn’t pan out, as it turns out I’m actually quite terrible at sewing. But I know a guy who isn’t, and all I had to do was show him a photo of your old jacket and he did the rest. The added stuff is all mine, I had to do a _lot_ of searching for some of those buttons but I think I managed to get most of them right.”

Todd looked up at Dirk, who was watching him with slight apprehension. He had tried to teach himself a new skill to get this jacket done, and had gone through even more trouble just to find the right buttons to put on it. It was such a Dirk thing to do, Todd thought with a rush of fondness.

“Do you like it?” Dirk asked nervously.

“I love it,” Todd said. _I love you,_ he might have added, if he’d been brave enough to. “Dirk, I don’t know what to say.”

“As long as you love it, that’s good enough for me,” Dirk said, beaming, “I couldn’t think of a better present for the anniversary of us meeting and I- ”

Todd couldn’t stand it any longer. He set the jacket down on the couch and pulled Dirk into a tight hug. He tried to convey everything he couldn’t say into that hug, all the gratitude and affection and love he felt for Dirk. And all the regret too, for not feeling truly worthy of him, for not being able to give him the love he deserved. He wanted him to understand, yet a hug was still a hug and ultimately it couldn’t replace the words Todd was too scared to say out loud.

“Thank you, Dirk,” he muttered, pulling away from Dirk’s arms reluctantly. Dirk looked disappointed, but he smiled regardless. _A bittersweet smile_ , Todd thought, feeling guilty.

“I just found a great ice cream shop a few blocks down the road,” Dirk said, “fancy a cone? It’s on me.”

Todd wanted nothing more than to have some ice cream with Dirk, but he had somehow managed to work himself into a moping mood and he knew he’d only spoil Dirk’s fun if he did. That only made him feel worse. Perhaps Dirk noticed the hesitation in his face, because his smile seemed to falter. That made Todd feel the worst of all.

“It’s okay if you want to stay in,” he said, “we can do something else some other time.”

“I’d like that,” Todd said, and he meant it.

After Dirk had left, Todd slipped the jacket on and inspected himself in the mirror. He felt a pang of guilt once more as he thought of how much effort Dirk had put into getting that jacket back, and how he hadn’t even remembered the day himself. He had to do something for Dirk, he realized. He racked his mind for ideas but came up blank.

The idea didn’t come to him until late that night while he struggled to fall asleep. He immediately jumped out of bed, turned on the light, and ran to his desk. Todd wrote hurriedly, jotting down his ideas as they came to his mind. It was a crazy and elaborate plan, and he would have never considered trying something like it for anyone else, but this was Dirk. Any surprise meant for Dirk would have to be elaborate and crazy.

 

* * *

 

The whole week was dedicated to putting the plan in motion. Frustratingly, the most difficult part turned out to be keeping Dirk off his trail, something that was easier in theory than in practice. It was tough hiding something from someone who was some degree of psychic, especially when that someone was also excitable and extremely familiar with Todd’s best poker face. Dirk never asked Todd anything directly, though it was clear he was suspicious of something.

He needed a diversion, so he called Farah over to his apartment one day for an impromptu meeting. Finding the right time to meet without Dirk noticing had been challenging, though Farah had assured him she would find a way to keep him occupied. When Todd had asked how, Farah had only texted him a photo of a ginger cat sitting on her kitchen counter.

“Oh, it’s not my cat,” Farah explained when she arrived. “I didn’t steal a cat,” she added, seeing the worried look on Todd’s face, “My neighbor asked me to cat-sit while she’s on vacation. I told Dirk to watch him while I went to the store. I’d say that should buy us a couple of hours, at least.”

Todd’s phone buzzed just then, as if on cue. Glancing at it he saw a photo of Dirk nuzzling the ginger cat from Farah’s photo, with a caption underneath.

 _Making a new friend!!!!_ Dirk’s caption read.

“You are scary good,” Todd laughed. He poured her a cup of the worst instant coffee Seattle had to offer and handed her a map of the Springsborough neighborhood, which he had scribbled heavily on.

“It’s a scavenger hunt,” he said, “see, he starts here, at the Ridgely, and each clue will take him to the next location, until he ends up...well, back here. At the Ridgely.”

“Uh-huh,” Farah muttered, frowning as she looked over his map, “and all of this is just so you can give him his present.”

“Yeah,” Todd said, “I can’t just _give_ him his present, I have to put some effort into it. I think he would really enjoy a scavenger hunt, considering how much fun he has solving mysteries. It’ll be like a case, except without all the life-threatening bits. What do you think?”

“It’s definitely time-consuming,” she said, shrugging, “it’s also got Dirk written all over it, though. It’s sweet.”

Todd blushed at that. Farah raised her eyebrows at him and smiled knowingly, but Todd chose not to take the bait.

“He got me this,” he said, pointing at the jacket Dirk had recovered for him, which he was wearing, “I feel like an asshole not getting him something significant.”

“Yeah, he’s been talking about that one for weeks,” Farah said. “So what did you get him?”

Todd grinned as he picked up the box he’d been hiding behind his couch. He opened it to reveal a bright yellow peacoat, the same shade of yellow as the jacket Dirk had worn when Todd had first met him. He had run across it one day while in the city and it had immediately reminded him of Dirk, though he hadn’t thought to buy it right then. It had seemed like the perfect gift for Dirk now, though.

“I figured he’s ruined a lot of jackets in our time together too, and it’s his color,” Todd explained.

“Wow, Todd,” Farah seemed impressed, “this must’ve cost you a small fortune.”

“Not really,” Todd lied. He’d have to go without wifi for a month just to make up for what he’d paid for that jacket, but in the end it would be worth it. _It’s for Dirk, of course it’s worth it._

“So, what’s my dreaded role in this?” Farah asked after Todd had packed the jacket away again.

“I need you to distract Dirk while I’m hiding these around town,” he held up the stack of sticky notes in which he’d written his clues, “he’s already suspicious, so you’ll have to make stuff up. Just as long as you don’t tell him anything.”

“You act like I can’t keep a secret,” Farah said, “you sure you’re ready to go through all this trouble?”

“It’s for Dirk,” Todd shrugged. Farah studied him for a moment, her eyes piercing into Todd’s.

“You really love him, don’t you?” She said, finally.

 _Shit,_ Todd thought. He hesitated, momentarily at a loss for words. _He’s my best friend,_ he might have said, _I love him like a brother,_ he could’ve lied, _he’s too good for me,_ would have been a more accurate statement, even though admitting it out loud was terrifying—but it was too late. His silence was all the answer Farah needed.

“I’m sorry, but it’s pretty obvious.” she said, smiling. “Honestly, I’ve been waiting for one of you to stop resisting and make the first move for months.”

“I’m not,” Todd stammered, finally finding his voice, “I’m not _resistant_ to it, it’s just…” How could he convey his doubts about Dirk in a way that didn’t sound totally pathetic?

“He’s my best friend,” he said, “and I don’t exactly have a great track record when it comes to relationships. And I’ve lied. Like, a _lot._ To people I care about.”

“Are you planning to lie to Dirk?” Farah asked.

“Well, no,” Todd frowned, “it’s not about that, it’s… it’s complicated.”

“That’s a very generic explanation,” Farah said.

“I wouldn’t use it if it were easy to explain.” Todd said, taking a deep breath, “I’m not boyfriend material, okay? Especially for someone like Dirk.”

“Right,” Farah sighed, “and what is ‘boyfriend material’ for someone like Dirk, exactly?”

Todd didn’t know how to truly answer that. He had spent so much time in his head, telling himself that Dirk deserved better, yet he hadn’t ever considered what he thought Dirk _did_ deserve. Farah’s question had caught him completely off-guard, and all he could do was make several awkward sounds as he struggled to find an answer and she became increasingly amused.

“Look, I’m only saying this because I care about both of you,” she said, “but it’s painful watching you struggle with this asshole facade you seem so proud of.”

“I’m not _proud_ of it,” Todd said indignantly, “it’s just...it’s me. I’m a screw-up, I’m really good at disappointing people, and I’m...I’m worried I’ll disappoint Dirk, too.”

 _Scared, more like it,_ he thought, _scared to lose him._

“You act like you can’t control how much of an asshole you are,” Farah frowned, “Listen. I’m not here to tell you whether or not you’re a good person. Though frankly, you _can_ be a jerk. But how long are you going to hang on to all that stuff from your past? It’s not like I haven’t made bad decisions in my life too, doesn’t mean I let those things dictate my choices now, though.”

“It’s not like that,” Todd mumbled, though he was losing steam. He could feel himself backing into a corner in this argument, and he didn’t like it.

“Todd,” she said, her expression softening, “You’re my friend and all, but you are full of shit. You’re making excuses for yourself instead of following your heart, and all because you’re scared you’ll, what, drive Dirk away by being such an asshole? Cause you’ve had a whole year to do that, and Dirk is still here.”

She handed him his map back and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

“You know Dirk isn’t going to make the first move,” she said, tapping the map, “but for what it’s worth, I think he’s going to love you even more for this.”

Todd sat in silence for what felt like hours after Farah left, turning over every word she had just said to him. _You know Dirk isn’t going to make the first move._ He had known that for a while now, but he wasn’t sure he was able to make the first move himself. He looked down at the map he’d made for Dirk’s surprise, following the beeline he’d drawn across his neighborhood with his eyes. He’d walked down those streets with Dirk many times, both on and off cases. There was a park a few blocks from the Ridgely they were particularly fond of, with a nice hill that overlooked the entire neighborhood. Sometimes they’d go there during the day, other times late at night when neither of them could get much sleep. They’d usually lie down on the grass and talk, though mostly they just contemplated the sky in comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s company.

Todd could just picture the look on Dirk’s face as he basked in the sun with his eyes closed, or else gazed up at the stars above them with his eyes full of wonder, but always with that same smile on his lips. Todd felt truly content during those moments, as if he had left the whole world and all of his insecurities at the bottom of that hill. And it was all because of Dirk.

The sun was low on the horizon by the time Todd stood up. He looked down at the sticky notes he’d left on his coffee table, then at the map in his hands. His grand plan, all on paper. _He’s worth all of this, and more,_ he thought.

He knew what he had to do just then.

 

* * *

 

Todd was nervous. He smoothed out his hair once, twice, three times, until he realized it wasn’t making any difference whatsoever. He paced around his living room, going over his plan once more. Dirk would be arriving any second, and the thought of that alone made Todd feel like bolting. _It’s only Dirk,_ he thought, taking multiple deep breaths, _he’s your best friend, you can trust him._ But that was exactly the problem; it was _because_ it was Dirk, his best friend, that he was a nervous wreck, with every possible thing that could go wrong flashing across his mind.

“Stop thinking!” He grumbled to himself, just as he heard a knock on his door. Todd checked his hair in the mirror one more time, then hurried to open the door to find Dirk standing on the other side. He was wearing a plum-colored blazer over his usual dress shirt and tie, though it was his smile that always caught Todd’s attention. Dirk smiled a lot, though each smile was unique and over time Todd had learned to tell them apart. Right now Dirk was smiling in the way he only ever smiled when Todd was around, with such warmth and devotion and _longing_ that it made Todd feel giddy. _He smiles with every fiber of his soul,_ Todd mused.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Todd said, trying to ignore the butterflies violently flapping in his stomach. Dirk walked into his apartment, his eyes scanning the room in what Todd was sure was an attempt at subtlety.

“There’s no emergency, is there?” Dirk said, though from the look on his face it was clear he had deduced this long before knocking on his door. Todd shook his head.

“I’ve been working on something,” Todd began, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans, “I wanted to get you something too, for the anniversary of us meeting. And I wanted it to be special, because you put a lot of thought and effort into getting me my jacket back, and I didn’t even get you anything at first.”

“Oh, Todd,” Dirk’s face was a whirlwind of emotions as he watched Todd, “I told you, you shouldn’t worry about getting me anything.”

“But I wanted to,” Todd said, “see, I had this whole elaborate plan, and I even got Farah to distract you while I finished preparations for it.”

“I knew it!” Dirk muttered triumphantly, and Todd couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“I had to get you off my trail, or else the whole surprise part of it would’ve been ruined,” he said, taking out the piece of paper he’d written his first clue on and handing it to Dirk, “it’s a scavenger hunt, with each clue leading you to another clue until you get to the last one, and that’s where you’ll find your actual present. I hid these all over town, it’s a good day’s worth of hunting for clues.”

 _“‘A green perch with a view,’”_ Dirk read from the paper in his hand, _“‘no matter the time of day, I’d spend it here with you.’”_ He looked up, his eyes wide. A smile slowly spread across his face, and it was as if Todd could see the gears spinning in his head. “It’s our hill,” he said, “the first clue, it’s our hill.”

“Well, maybe an afternoon of hunting for clues,” Todd said, smiling fondly. Dirk seemed on the verge of tears.

“Todd, this is...it’s perfect,” he said softly, “I couldn’t have asked for a better present.”

“Well, this is only part of it, but…”

Todd trailed off as Dirk threw his arms around him, wrapping him in a tight embrace. Todd put his arms around Dirk as well, burying his face in Dirk’s neck and allowing himself to melt into his arms. For one moment it was as if everything was right with the world, and Todd could forget all about the secret government agents, bounty hunters, and assorted death traps from the past year. He could get lost in Dirk’s embrace, in his scent and his warmth, and pretend all his insecurities about Dirk had never even existed.

He reluctantly pulled away from Dirk, slowly, almost painfully. His hands trailed over Dirk’s arms, his fingers lingering on Dirk’s hands for just a fraction of a second, though if Dirk noticed he didn’t show it. He was grinning though, and his eyes were glistening.

“Thank you,” he said, “for all of this. I’m sure whatever my actual present is, I will love it just as much as I’ll love this scavenger hunt.”

“There’s, ah, there’s something else I wanted to say,” Todd said, his heart racing. His words caught in his throat, and for a moment he felt like he couldn’t do this. _No more excuses,_ he told himself, taking a deep breath. “I don’t have a good way to say this, and you know me, I’m bad at...well, at emotions. But I’m trying to work on that. Ever since I met you I’ve been trying to be a better person. You inspire me to try.”

Dirk watched Todd attentively, almost expectantly. Somehow, that only made Todd more nervous.

“I...like you, a lot,” he said, “you’re my best friend, my partner in many ways, and until recently I’d been so hung up on my own issues that I was too scared to tell you any of this. But I don’t want to keep holding myself back anymore. See, you’re such a wonderful and caring person, and I’m...well, I’m me,” he said, laughing nervously, “and I was afraid that I would end up hurting you or that you’d finally get sick of me and leave. But that’s just me letting my fears take control of my life, and that’s not who I want to be anymore.”

“What are you saying?” Dirk asked, almost breathlessly. He was smiling again, and Todd was sure he already knew what he was trying to say. _He always knows before I do._

“I want _us,_ ” he gestured between himself and Dirk, “I want to give us a chance, if you’ll have me.”

“Todd,” Dirk said, with such tenderness that it made Todd’s heart swell, “I can’t believe it took you this long to ask me out. Yes, of _course_ I’ll have you, is that even a question?”

Todd wanted to laugh, though whether out of built-up nerves, embarrassment, or relief he wasn’t sure. Dirk was laughing too as Todd threw himself at him again, and this time he really could get lost in Dirk’s arms. He pulled back just enough to gaze into Dirk’s eyes. There was so much love there, so much kindness, that for a second it stirred some old doubts in him again.

“I won’t ever do anything to hurt you on purpose,” he said solemnly, “but if I’m ever a jerk, or if I ever do something to upset you…”

“I will give you a strongly worded speech on why what you did was a dick move,” Dirk said, making Todd laugh again.

“You’re very good at those,” he said, “very persuasive.”

He was still wrapped up in Dirk’s arms, their faces mere inches apart. Todd’s heart was racing as he pressed his lips against Dirk’s cheek, barely daring to believe he was even doing this. He pulled back again then threw all caution to the wind and kissed Dirk’s lips lightly, tenderly. His heart could’ve burst out of his chest just then. He felt giddy again, like he was losing his balance. The room was tilting. No, _they_ were tilting, falling...

“Dirk,” was all Todd had a chance to say before the two of them fell backwards onto the couch. Todd nearly banged his head against Dirk’s as he struggled to steady himself in a mess of limbs and couch cushions. He propped himself up with his arms, now looking down at a flustered Dirk.

“Ahh, sorry,” Dirk said, blushing furiously, “that was just...I’ve always imagined what it would be like to kiss you, but _that..._ wow.”

Todd laughed, then leaned down and kissed Dirk again. He had often thought about what kissing Dirk would be like as well, and he thought Dirk’s description of the real thing was very apt.

“Wow,” he muttered, smiling against Dirk’s lips.

 

* * *

 

They spent the rest of the evening together as Dirk hunted for the clues Todd had hidden for him around town. Dirk seemed to get more and more excited with every clue he found, and there was a pronounced bounce in his step as the two of them went from one place to the next. Every now and then he would give Todd a shy glance, as if making sure he was still there and that all of this was really happening. Todd would reach out and entwine his fingers in Dirk’s then, giving his hand a light squeeze, and would be rewarded with a giddy smile from Dirk.

It was close to sunset by the time they made it back to the Ridgely. Back in his apartment, Todd brought out Dirk’s present—now wrapped in polka-dotted wrapping paper—and handed it to him. The look of pure joy on Dirk’s face as he pulled out the bright yellow peacoat and admired it for the first time was everything Todd had hoped for.

“Do you like it?” he asked.

“It’s perfect,” was all Dirk said before he stood up and wrapped Todd in his arms again. Todd thought he could get used to this.

They sat in Todd’s living room for hours while Dirk told Todd about some of his most interesting cases from before their time together. Todd listened attentively, enjoying the sound of Dirk’s voice as he recounted some of the strangest stories he’d ever heard. Afterwards they made their way through the cloudless night back to their favorite hill with its perfect view, a blanket in tow and two steaming cups of hot chocolate in their hands.

It was the happiest Todd had been in a long time. He thought of how he’d felt even a week ago, full of doubts and insecurities about Dirk. But looking at Dirk now, watching him gesture excitedly with his hands while he described a particularly bizarre car chase he had once been a part of, Todd wondered why he had been so scared to open up to him before. There would be bumps along the way, he was sure of it, but working through them would be worth it all for Dirk.

Todd had done many things in his life that he wasn’t proud of, but all of those things were in the past now. His present was here, lying on the grass next to Dirk on top of their favorite hill. And as they watched the stars in comfortable silence, with Dirk’s head nestled against his chest, Todd had a feeling that his future was going to be a lot brighter.


End file.
